Uh. Well, group was cancelled. I am now without any sort of therapy. I suppose I can arrange an appointment now with my old individual therapist, but she's busy, and frankly, I really don't know if I want to. After group I just felt the same old triggers. I've been having a hard time with the fact that... my ED sort of trumps all. Except my relationship. I don't want to sound resentful or ungrateful. I really, really don't. The path of self-destruction seems so natural and easy. It's difficult to think about where I would be without my relationship - it's difficult to think about because it seems like that was the path I was on, am maybe supposed to be on, could go on so easily, but there's this big barrier in the way. I know the barrier is the best thing to happen to me, but it also means that I never chose recovery for myself. Sometimes I get so fixated on that fact - I'm not recovering because I hate my ED or because it revolts me or because I don't want to hurt myself anymore, I'm doing it because I want to have a life with my husband. I have a lot of difficulty imagining why someone would want to recovery for themselves. I guess that the farther I've gotten into it, the more reasons I have found that make it worth it. But sometimes they seem so dim - and almost always I know that they couldn't, can't, compare to what I know, what is easy, what is reliable.  


That said - I've been doing somewhat better. Last week - I was very "good" in regards to not binging (for the most part), but that was about it. I was absolutely unproductive. I need to binge to get through things, to be able to face them. I used to do it just to get through the day, or to cope with the overwhelming stress of something while still being unable to face that something. Well, now I've reached a point where I can face some of my biggest stressors, but almost always only with the 'aid' of ED behavior that can be performed at the same time - binging. I guess starving could work, too. Jesus, I used to be so jealous of/inspired by the anorectics who were so fucking productive! Because you know, you have to do something to fill all the hours of hunger. (I liked to spend that time crying & sleeping.) And yeah... anyway, that's sort of what happens when I make a concentrated effort not to binge. I have to find other ways to deal with myself, my stress, my anxiety - like old ED behaviors of avoidance. I can't starve like I used to for a variety of reasons, but that doesn't mean I can't obsess about it all. I find myself wasting time, focusing on things I've never worried about before, how far I can go to quantify my 'success,' muscle mass to optimize calories burned (something I used to be scare shitless of, since all weight was bad weight)... just pointless shit to take my mind off of the real world. (I guess calories are my videogames.)  Sleeping in as long as possible - naps I never want to end - it's easier not to binge when you're not awake, you can't feel as much pain when you sleep. It makes me wonder if I'm even in a position to make recovery a priority right now. I mean, is it possible? Grades are most important.


Not much else to say, I worked out yesterday. It felt good. I can't really talk to people when my problems are all about this bullshit.

Went to a party last night. I sort of wish I'd stayed home. It wasn't too bad until some really sexist guy showed up.... dropped the c-bomb over & over again, admitted that it was totally wrong of him as a man to do this, made jokes about how women should be kept barefoot in the kitchen, laughed at racist jokes, talked about how drunk his girlfriend was so he could 'stick it in any orifice I want!' yeeehaw! (yeah, that's called rape), sexualized half the women there, talked about his dick for a very long time (and of course about how nicely it would fit inbetween so & so's tits)... ugh. I just didn't want to be a part of that. & then they just kept making out in front of everyone. it was awkward. 


I'd like to believe that getting a little fucked up doesn't mean you have to be this stupid...

I've been listening to a lot of old music lately. This usually makes me sad - I love these bands but never put them on because of that. But the other day I was listening to Osker & just feeling really good. Like something significant had changed... 


I don't know if I mentioned this about the bulimia group... but the therapist talked about how it isn't working as well as it used to to help us cope, and that's why we're here. I said that wasn't how I felt at all - it still does a great job of helping me cope, of blocking out everything, of making it go away. It's just that I've reached a point in life where it's no longer plausable to have my ED. If I could get away with it - if I could keep the ED without suffering so many consequences - I totally would. Another woman said she felt exactly the same way. 


I think that sounds absurd to most people. But I don't know what it's like to have a 'normal' life... to have a life outside of the ED, outside of the complete obsession. I feel like I am getting there, though. Sometimes I get a glimpse of what it must be like for other people - all the things there are to do, to put your energy into & enjoy. I think that would make the whole recovery process easier - if I really knew what I was fighting for & if I really believed in it. Some days my life doesn't have much value outside of the ED. 


I'm still not sure about who I want to be. What does it mean to have an identity? It's really frightening to me. I'm afraid of the countless disappointments it seems like it could inspire.

Today did not go well. I came home from class feeling very hungry. I hadn't prepared myself this morning for dealing with triggers - didn't read a meditation or think about what I would be eating during the day. Much less, I didn't chose a coping skill to use during the day, something I've been hoping to do in the mornings. Instead, I woke up after 6 hours of sleep and attempted to finish more readings, due after my first class (I ended up finishing them in the first class). I didn't bring a snack with me. 


Walking home I started to realize just how hungry I was - that old familiar binge trigger. I automatically wanted to stop off at the corner shop to grab some comfort food, but instead kept going, all the while trying to rationalize with myself about what I should do. I tried to remember that this strong compulsion to eat comfort foods was an illogical reaction... that hunger, although I've always medicated it like an emotion, doesn't mean that I need to to. That it will go away once you feed it - even if you feed it carrots and oranges. I tried to bargain, thinking that I should eat a healthy version of lunch no matter what - if I still felt triggered afterwards, I could always have some binge food then. 


Then I came home and did something really stupid. I hung around in the kitchen, trying to make a decision. It was so much like my old ED days in high school! Back when I was more restricted in my ability to acquire binge food or when I really didn't want to eat anything at all, and so I'd hang around in this place of suspension, unable to decide, unable to win with myself. I also felt a bit tiffed that the dishes still weren't done. It was discouraging and definitely didn't give any leverage to the healthy side of me. Of course, this frustration just helped seal the deal... instead of dealing with it in some healthy way, I felt an even more powerful pull to binge.. 


I also felt the pull because of all the work I have to do tonight. Last night I made the definite mistake of bribing myself with comfort food in exchange for hours of reading (up until 4:00 AM). It wasn't so bad actually - it wasn't really a binge, just a replacement of what should have been healthier food. But it was still a mistake because it continued to convince me that I need this emotional tool in order to get through something I find tedious or difficult. I have no real study habits - never developed them. Instead, I usually attempt this food bribery method, which often just becomes a binge, after which I feel too miserable to do any work. Well, that is mostly what happened today. I ate too much, pure comfort food, didn't do any work during the episode, and then my tiredness from the night before was only confounded - binging does that - and so I napped for two hours. I want to remember how utterly useless it makes me! I often used to do it just so that I could sleep for a few hours and ignore the outside world... so how contradictory is that, then, that I try to tell myself it's the only way to get homework done? And this belief is so deeply ingrained me in, it's hard to trust other options. 


So I've learned:


- I absolutely MUST set aside time each morning for a) a meditation b) choosing a coping skill for the day and c) deciding on what healthy foods I will eat d) packing a snack, water, that sort of thing


- it will rarely work in helping me 'get things done!' I am only fooling myself and actually trying to medicate something other than the tediousness of the work - my tiredness, my fear of not being able to do it, etc. 


- hours afterwards, I still feel shitty.

All these years of slacking have kept me from realizing just how long it takes to do homework. I've been at it all night and only accomplished half the things on my list... 


Today went well for the most part.... people treated me differently than they usually do, store clerks and the like. Probably because I'm wearing make up & made a half decent attempt to dress myself for once. but meh, I'm still the same person. 


Food stuff got off to a good start but sort of went down hill when it came to studying. It's such an automatic response for me. Oh well, at least this time I actually DID study and didn't spend the whole time binging or something.

I feel kind of frightened. School is starting again... and as it draws near I feel the compulsive side of my eating disorder growing and getting louder. Falling into old habits... the old conversations with myself where I automatically ignore what I'm doing or don't want to face it. I've felt very motivated and felt like I was doing mildly well since christmas. I'd been at the point where I was cooking every night, making healthier choices... but still being mindless in how my body felt in reaction to food and also engaging in comfort/familiar foods alongside the healthier stuff. But the past two days have been a lot of backsliding... 


I need to put a stop to it now. 


It's somewhat invigorating having classes again - having work to do. But at the same time, I haven't accomplished very much during my break. Well... I guess I did make some really important emotional/mental realizations, but I've also been very inactive. I need to clean the house before tomorrow. :( I also have homework from an incomplete I took in a class this last quarter, which I really need to finish before this quarter officially begins. 


I need to find a way to organize my life at the moment and for the coming quarter. Ahhh... there's so much I need to do and to remember in order to make it managable...

I had a really insightful therapy appointment on Thursday. I've realized that a large part of the reason why I'm still angry around my mother and why I find it so hard to 'forgive' or be honest and open with her is because I'm still suffering the consequences of what she did to me during my childhood. This doesn't mean that I am dwelling in the past and still crying over past abuses, but that my every day life is still affected by the way I was raised. Her treatment of me has taught me to look at myself and the events around me in a certain way, and until I recover from that, of course I'm still going to be untrusting of her and annoyed/angered by her presence/the present shitty things she does. She taught me over and over again that my needs don't matter... and still to this day she continues to send this message. Whether or not she's aware of it, that is how she treats me in so many of our interactions - and that's how she spent my entire childhood treating me. So of course that's how I feel about myself now (well, I am getting better about it), and that continues to hurt, which means that I can't look at the past with peace of mind. This has affected how my relationships with others go (putting their needs before mine), how I treat myself, and has greatly influenced my ED. No wonder I felt so guilty for eating!  This is probably also why I blame myself for most things... and of course now that I'm trying to get over that and seeing that I wasn't to blame in most situations, or at least that it wasn't appropriate to take it out on myself, it becomes more difficult because I have to look at the role others played. And I can't control that - I can't just handle it by hurting myself or by convincing myself that if I just stopped eating (didn't have needs) then I would be perfect and everything would be okay.


I want to have an open, honest relationship with her... and currently, I don't feel that any of our interactions are very genuine. But it's frightening to think about being open with this person who has done so much damage to me. However.. I think I will try. I'm going to reply to her very confusing e-mail sometime soon, though it may take me a while to figure out the right words. I guess this theme of 'your needs don't matter' makes sense of why it is so frightening - being open about feelings is a huge expression of need and asking for support... something that can be very hurtful when it is rejected, especially by your own mother.

The bunny wants nothing to do with me. He's terribly disinterested. He loves the cat, though. 


I feel really disappointed. I only wanted one because I'd had two very friendly ones as a child and I wanted companionship/something to cuddle with. The cat seemed to have abandoned me for my husband (she used to be very loving of both of us). I thought it would be nice to have a lap bunny for when I did homework or felt shitty (since I am trying to handle emotions in a better way now). Instead the bunny has completed rejected me. I feel kind of foolish... especially after I put the money/effort into getting the set up and everything. I am already thinking about rehoming him and finding a kitten instead. Kittens have never rejected me like that before... they have needs for companionship and love, unlike this ironman bunny that feels no love or compassion. 

Things I want to accomplish in '08: 


- do not eat fast food this year (exception for meal perks)
- project 365: take a photo a day
- complete 50 handmade items for charity
- do daily recovery work
- by the end of the year, have an exercise schedule that meets my health needs
- strive for health
- keep a challenge/goal journal for each week